I Didn’t Hate Reading, I Hated Reading With My Eyes

Welcome to my Unmasking Autism series. This is where I share what I’m learning as I begin to understand my autistic experience and gently come home to myself. These posts are personal, honest, and written with tenderness for the parts of me that have spent years surviving.

I Thought I Hated Reading

Growing up, I never read books. I never wanted to.

When I had to read for school, it was the worst thing ever for me. I dreaded it. I avoided it. I could stare at a page forever and somehow absorb nothing. Meanwhile, it felt like everyone around me loved reading. People talked about books like they were comfort and adventure and escape, and I just… did not get it.

So I decided something about myself.I thought I hated reading.

But looking back now, I think what I really hated was how reading felt in my body and brain. It was not relaxing. It was work. It was pressure. It was frustration. It was me trying to force myself through something that never felt smooth or natural.

Then something unexpected happened.

My best friend asked me to co lead a life group with her and make it a book club. I said yes in excitement, even though I was hesitant about the reading part. I loved the idea of community and conversation and growing together, but the thought of reading an entire book still made me feel that old dread.

And then I discovered audiobooks.

I learned about the online library app, and that I could borrow audiobooks for free. And suddenly, everything changed.

➡️ Sharing my favorite books here ⬅️

It turns out I love reading as long as I do not have to read.

That sentence makes me laugh now, but it is also one of those unmasking moments that explains so much. Because when I read with my eyes, I get stuck. I get hung up on pronouncing words. I second guess myself. I reread the same sentence a million times. I lose the thread of what I just read because my brain is busy trying to do it perfectly. And before I know it, I am exhausted and nowhere.

But when someone reads to me, it is completely different.

It is like my brain can finally relax and just receive the story.

It feels like an old radio show. Comforting and steady. No pressure. No performing. No getting stuck on one word and spiraling. Just listening, imagining, and being carried along.

And then I found graphic audiobooks, which I can only describe as a movie in your mind. The sound effects, the different voices, the full experience. I can devour books now. And there is something especially comforting about having no visual stimulation, no stress of words on a page, and still being completely immersed in a story.

Unmasking autism has been full of these moments for me. Moments where I realize I never hated the thing. I just hated the way I was expected to do it. I hated the struggle. I hated feeling behind. I hated feeling like something that was “easy” for everyone else was painfully hard for me.

But once I found a way that fits my brain, it became a joy.

I did not hate reading.I needed a different way in.

Thank you for being here. If any part of this resonated, I hope you feel a little less alone. I’m still learning, still unmasking, and still choosing compassion over shame one moment at a time.

xo,

jd

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